Building Your Child’s  Self  Esteem:   Sense and Nonsense
James Robert Ross, Ph.D., LMFT

✹The Importance of Healthy Self Esteem
Most parents understand how important healthy self esteem is to the development and success of their children in life. Good self esteem promotes success in school, the ability to make friends and a healthy, enduring marriage, success in the work- place, and the ability to deal constructively with the hard knocks of life.
Because self esteem is so important to a child's development and future success in life, it
is understandable that parents are concerned. It is also understandable how there has come to
be so much said about building self esteem in a child. Although a lot of the things parents art
hearing about building self esteem in their children makes good sense, predictably a lot of it is
pure nonsense. But first, what makes sense?
First, let us clarify some confusion about this much discussed subject. Self esteem is not
the same as self centeredness or selfishness. As a matter of fact the person with the lowest self
esteem is likely to appear most self centered and unable to give of himself to others.  Rather,
self esteem refers to a deep belief in one's worth and competency, the feeling that I am ok
and that life is good and that I have something to contribute.

✹Essential Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem
There are three main sources of healthy self esteem. First, a person learns to feel safe and, therefore, accepted in the world during the first twenty-four to thirty-six months of life
through the experience of physical and emotional security.  Basic needs for food, cleanliness,
shelter and mental and emotional stimulation must be uniformly provided either by the parent
or by a consistently available parent substitute.  If a child lacks a safe, secure environment at
the earliest stage of development, he or she will experience life as threatening and unstable and
will grow up to feel incapable of facing the normal challenges of life.
Studies of the attachment of infants and toddlers to their primary care givers have
demonstrated the long terms negative consequences of a disruption of the consistent presence
of an attachment figure.  With extremely incompetent or abusive parenting self esteem is not only threatened, but a child's ability to trust the world, to trust other people, to trust himself, and to trust God is severely damaged by neglect, abuse, or abandonment at an early age.
Second, just as a person learns about his or her physical appearance by looking in a mirror so a child learns about his or her worth by looking into the faces of other people, especially
parents. If, when a child looks at a parent, he sees disgust and gloom in that face, then the impression is created in the child that he or she the cause of that negative reaction. The child says to himself or herself, “When I look at my parents they look bad; therefore, I must be bad."
On the other hand, if a child sees delight and gladness in the face of a parent, she
concludes that she must be a delightful person. When a child looks into a parent's face, she
needs to see that the parent looks upon her with utter delight. The parent's expression
should convey that this child is the most beautiful, wonderful, precious creature on the planet
earth.
Let me illustrate. My oldest daughter. Joy, has four children, the youngest, a daughter,
Sarah. When Sarah was a few months old, Joy called me full of excitement. Why? Just because she had discovered Sarah's first tooth! That, she thought, was a major miracle. Indeed, everything about her children are miracles to her. There is no way that those four children do not know that their mother, and father too, worship the ground they walk on. The parents' unabashed joy and pleasure in their children is an essential building block in healthy self esteem.
Third, in order for a person to feel good about herself, he must do well. Failure damages self esteem. Success and achievement feed self esteem.  On the other hand, if a child
does not do homework or if he gets F's in school or never does chores at home or mistreats
other people, then that child will naturally feel like a failure. Indeed, that child is a failure.  Success and achievement can take many forms. It does not necessarily mean being
valedictorian of the class or winning an Olympic gold metal. But when a two year old feeds
herself, or a five year old learns to tie a shoe, or an eight year old washes the dishes, or a
twelve year old mows the yard, the accomplishment of these tasks contributes to a feeling of
competency and self worth. Learning special skills in music, art or sports also boosts a
child's self esteem.
Therefore, if a child does not do his homework and thus fails at school, or if another child
does not do her chores or does not help with chores at home, these failures to fulfill their
responsibilities will severely damage their self esteem. There is no way they can feel good
when they have not done well.
Acceptable moral behavior is another important form of success and achievement. If your
child repeatedly and consistently lies to you or hits other children and if nothing is done to
interrupt this immoral behavior, the child will certainly feel bad. She should feel bad!  On the
other hand, when children learn to be kind and generous, when they learn not to cheat at
school and to share some of their allowance with hungry children, they will respect themselves
as decent human beings. When a parent fails to teach a child proper behavior and to
discipline for wrong behavior, that parent is ultimately insuring that his child will grow up
with terrible self esteem.
Self esteem is not built by always getting one's way nor by never experiencing hardship,
pain, or unhappiness. Indeed, the person who is shielded too much from the hard knocks of
life is likely to develop an exaggerated sense of his or her self importance. In the end the
failure to meet and overcome adversity will produce mere self centeredness rather that a
genuine, healthy self esteem.

✹The Difference Between Building Good Self Esteem and Spoiling a Child
We have all seen the child who wants everything, and he wants it now. If he does not get
it, he will make life miserable for everyone else. Although the parents at first say "no," they
finally give in. We say that they have "spoiled" the child.
How does this happen? Why do some parents raise a brat who ends up in trouble with the
police while others do a reasonably good job of taking a whinny, demanding, self centered two
year old and turning out a gentlemen or a lady at high school graduation?
Three factors contribute to spoiling a child as opposed to building healthy self esteem. First, if a child is extremely bright and strong willed, it will be easier to spoil her. If the child started talking before eighteen months of age, knew the ABC's by age three and understood all the big words which the parents spelled in front of her to try to keep some things private, then all this intelligence and energy may be devoted to getting her own way.
This is perfectly normal. Children, especially those born bold and adventuress,  naturally try to maximize and their own independence and pleasure without much reflection on how destructive it may be. One reason they have parents is so they will have appropriate limits set to
their normal attempts to do their own thing.
To the parents of these extremely bright and energetic children, who may feel that they
have not been good parents and that it must be something that they have done that makes their
children so difficult, I say, "God has given you a thoroughbred to train." In contrast to the
plow horses my father had on the farm, which were as docile as a puppy dog, a thoroughbred
horse is more talented but also more high strung. While almost anyone could have handled the
pair of horses we called Bob and Bill, it takes a real pro to train and ride a thoroughbred.
And it takes tremendous strength, talent, and dedication to train and discipline a very
bright, strong willed child. But unless that thoroughbred is trained, it will never win a race.
And unless your bright, adventuresome child has his energy channeled into constructive
activities, he will never accomplish much, and will in fact use his talent to manipulate you and
others for his own selfish ends. As a result he will hurt a lot of people and will probably get into a lot of trouble that can do nothing but damage his self esteem.
Second, sometimes parents are likely to spoil a child when the child has suffered a serious accident or disability or is disadvantaged in some way. Helen Keller is the classic example of the child spoiled by parents who felt sorry for her because she was deaf and blind. At one point Helen absolutely terrorized the whole family. But everyone felt too sorry for her to make her mind. Or they were convinced that her disabilities made it impossible for her to understand and obey as a normal child should.
Only when the parents hired a teacher who refused to treat her as if she were a pitiable invalid did Helen's terrible conduct improve. The teacher understood that sympathy was the last thing in the world that Helen needed. With an unwavering faith in Helen's potential she proceeded to demand of her the very best. As a result Helen Keller grew up to be one of the most productive, admired and respected citizens in this country.
Third, sometimes parents feel that they are not quite good enough. Usually they are
sensitive, dedicated parents, who feel that they owe their children the best of everything and
are willing to make any sacrifice to prove their love. The temptation to underestimate their
ability and a feeling that they must prove themselves can be a special temptation for
adoptive parents. Because some of these parents were unable to bear biological children, they
may feel, unjustifiably, that they are somehow or other not quite good enough. In addition, they may feel sorry because the adopted child may have been neglected, abused or abandoned by the natural parents. At any rate adoptive parents seem prone to the need to prove themselves, and,
therefore, they lean over backwards to make their children happy.
Divorced parents, who feel guilty about their divorce, are also vulnerable to not feeling
good enough and, therefore, needing to do something extra to prove that they are good
parents. Knowing how hard divorce is on a child, they over compensate by giving the child
special privileges. This seems to happen particularly to noncustodial parents.
However, guilt is the hook by which a child manipulates parents. In addition, because the
parents are already divided by the divorce, it becomes easy for the child to play one off against
the other. The result, again, is a spoiled child.
Fourth, there are some parents who are so personally insecure that they are afraid to make
any decision with which their child disagrees. These parents are so afraid of making a mistake
that they tend to set the rules or to make decisions which need to be made, and when they
do, they are easily intimidated into backing down. A power vacuum develops in the home,which is then filled by a strong willed child. I have seen homes where a tyrannical child ruled
and where parents were virtual prisoners of the spoiled child's unrestrained selfishness.
Any one or these situations is enough to lead to spoiling a child. But when two or three
factors come together in the same family, they can produce a real monster.

✹Two Myths About Self Esteem
• "Hardship damages self esteem."
This myth is easily refuted simply by pointing to some of our greatest heroes: Jesus,
Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr.  Clearly if the lives of these and countless other saints are any indication, hardship does not destroy self esteem. If anything, almost the exact opposite is true. High self esteem is developed only in the crucible of hardship and suffering. Speaking of the grief that the early Christians were suffering in their trials the Scripture  explains that, "These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which
perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory
and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" (I Peter 1:7).
Malcolm Muggerridge expresses what most adults already know about the importance of
hardship. He writes in A Twentieth Century Testimony:
Contrary to what might be expected, I look back on experiences that at the time
seemed especially desolating and painful with particular satisfaction. Indeed,
everything I have learned, everything that has truly enhanced and enlightened my
existence, has been through affliction and not through happiness. If it ever were to be possible to eliminate affliction from our earthly existence, the result would not be to make life delectable, but to make it too banal and trivial to be endurable.
If you take hardship away from your child, you rob the child of the most essential skills to
grow up into a strong, sensitive, capable adult. If you never let your boy climb a tree because
he might fall and hurt himself, or if you refuse to let the little league coach make him sit out
the big game because he was late to practice, or if you never make your daughter do what is
right even though it hurts, you are not building self esteem. You are simply keeping them
from life. You are guaranteeing that they will never grow up, that they will remain emotional
babies all their life.

•  "A parent should be best friends with a child."
It is true that children need friends. It is true that a child's self esteem can be severely damaged by the cruelty of other children. But it is a myth that parents should be a child's best
friend, at least while the child is growing up. (Being a friend to your adult child is another
matter entirely.)  Since a friend is someone in whom a person can confide and someone upon whose shoulder one can cry, pity the poor child who has to be a friend with mother or father.
Sometimes a parent complains to me that their children will not talk to them. When I hear this
complaint, I suspect that the child is simply resisting a parent who is trying, inappropriately, to
be friends with a child. If you really want a child to talk to you, don't try to be a friend. A
child will want to talk to you because you are older and wiser and sympathetic and
understanding, not because you are a "friend."

✹ Guidelines for Building Self Esteem
•    Look at your child, ask questions, and paraphrase statements. Remember to look with your eyes.

•    Don't distract yourself with details
•    Don't try to fix things
•    Accepting your child builds self-esteem
•    Focus only on changing behavior that is important to change, i.e. behavior that isolates or harms him/her or disrupts the family
•    Avoid backhanded praise. This mixes praise and insult.
•    Say, “Thanks for finishing your chores,” instead of, “It’s about time.”
•    Value your children by listening to them and acknowledging their feelings.
•    Communicate with your child’s teacher teachers, but don’t try to solve problems the child might have with a teacher.
•    Never compare your child to anyone else, especially a sibling.
•    Set and enforce fair and reasonable boundaries
•    Last and most certainly not least, maintain your sanity and keep yourself under control.

Marian Wright Edelman, head of the Children's Defense Fund, is also the daughter,
granddaughter, aunt, and sister of Baptist ministers. Her father died when she was 14. Her
mother, who cooked for all the elderly in the church, even after she was older than most of
them, had this philosophy: "I did not promise the Lord that was going part of the way. I
promised him I was going all the way until he tells me otherwise."
Marian published a letter to her children in which she shares with them some of the most
important lessons she learned growing up in South Carolina. Some of these lessons are:
• There is no free lunch. Don't feel entitled to anything you don't sweat and struggle for.
• Never work just for money or for power.
• Don't be afraid of taking risks or being criticized.
• Be honest.
• Never give up.
• You are in charge of your own attitude.
• Always remember that you are never alone.

When your children learn to live by these very wise lessons, they will develop the healthy
self esteem and self respect that will assure them of true success in life, where success is
defined in spiritual rather than monetary or materialistic terms.