Can My Marriage Be Saved?

I had been asked the question many times:  "Do you think there is any hope for our marriage?"  The couple in my office assume that I am an expert in marital health and disease and that I can, therefore, make a realistic estimate of the chances of the survival of their marriage.

It is not, however, that simple.  Physicians have learned that the outcome of an illness sometimes depends as much on the person who has the disease as upon the disease itself.  If that is true for physical illness, it is one hundred times more true for relationship difficulties.  Can this marriage be saved?  Well, that depends very, very much upon the two people in this particular marriage.

Even though I cannot tell you for sure the chances of getting to your golden anniversary, I can tell you some things that are true about the couples who avoid the divorce court.

YOU WILL DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER WELL.  Couples whose marriages last and who experience any degree of happiness have learned to recognize, acknowledge and deal with their anger.  For example, if one of them, usually the husband, has a tendency to "stonewall" or to avoid his wife when she is upset, the chances are better than average that their marriage will not  last.

This does not mean that they simply unload on each other any time they feel like it.  But it does mean that they have found a way to disagree without destroying each other.

YOU WILL GROW UP.  Marriage is hard work.  It is not a job for a child.  And when couples are psychologically immature, the chances are good that they will split.

Psychological maturity is partially a function of age.  But it is more than that.  Some people eighteen years old are obviously more mature that others who are thirty–or fifty.  What makes a person mature is primarily the ability to tolerate imperfection and frustration without expecting that other people are there primarily to make him happy.

Take a look at a typical eighteen month old toddler.  When he sees something pretty, he wants to play with it, now, not later.  When he is hungry, he expects to be fed, now, not later.  When he feels like urinating, he lets go, now, not later.  And he expects everyone around him to do whatever is necessary to make him happy without a thought as to whether they might be tired or hungry.  That is immaturity.  And the more that describes you or your spouse, the greater the likelihood that you will be on your own before long.

In spite of what the fairy tales and the love songs say, no husband is a perfect prince charming, and no wife is a perfect angel.  Marriages that last are those in which the partners learn to accept each other, warts and all, without bitterness and without trying to make each other over into a storybook image.

YOU CAN STICK TO YOUR COMMITMENT.  When people get married, they make promises to one another, but whether they follow through is something no one can predict.  Will your marriage last?  Even when everything about it turns sour, if you are bound and determined to stick it out, then you just do it.  That does not necessarily mean you will be happy.  But it means that you have a fighting chance to make something beautiful happen between you.  You see, people who bail out when the first clouds darken the sky never get a chance to see if their boat can weather a real storm.

Can your marriage be saved?  How well do you handle your anger?  Have you grown up?  And can you stick with your commitment?

Answer for yourself.