Crimes Against Children

If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Matthew 18:6

As a culture we are becoming increasingly sensitized to the way children are use and abused often by those who have the responsibility to protect and nurture them.  Still some of the most wide spread but least prosecuted crimes involve those committed against children.  Having to witness such crimes is the most difficult, indeed the most painful, aspect of my therapy practice.  Many of these crimes do rise to the level of an actual misdemeanor or felony, which can be prosecuted in a criminal court.  Nevertheless, the children who are victims suffer severe, sometimes, irreparable harm.
One of the most common crimes against children is simple neglect.  This includes not only the obvious failure to take care for the safety and physical well being of children but also our neglect of their emotional and spiritual health.  This is more than a matter of parents spending "quality time" with a child.  For example, the failure to consistently discipline a child–and discipline is much more than punishment–is also a serious form of neglect.  To allow a child to grow up with the idea that the world revolves around him is a crime albeit one not that we have yet decided to punish.
Obviously the physical and sexual abuse of children is rightly proscribed in our penal codes.  Thankfully as a society we have become more sensitive to the more extreme forms of abuse of children and have passed numerous laws to protect them. The media do an excellent job of reminding us of the danger of sadistic pedophiles who stalk our children on the playground or at school.  However, the attention devoted to the danger to our children posed by strangers with perverted instincts has diverted attention away from the greater risk of abuse by adults who are well known to the child, a family member or a friend of the family.
The incest taboo is such a powerful, natural predisposition that it is difficult for us parents to contemplate taking one's child to bed.   However, the strength of this taboo depends upon the actual physical contact with the child during her earliest development when she is dependent upon parental care.  The father who is present at the birth of his daughter and who actively participates in feeding, bathing, and nurturing her will normally develop a powerful incest taboo, which prevents any thought of molesting "daddy's little girl."
In contrast the man who is later brought into a child's home will not have internalized the normal incest taboo.  The daughter whose mother has married a step-father or who has a live-in boy friend is at much greater risk of sexual molestation from the man her mother has brought into the home than she would ever experience with her own father.  Thus the most common sexual abuse of children occurs in families when a parent has brought another adult into the home who is not related to the child or when there is a dysfunctional relationship between the parents.
When parents fight with each other, the children are too often caught in the crossfire, but there are no laws protecting children from the collateral damage to the marital conflict.  There is a popular misconception that in such cases the parents need to get a divorce to save the children from the parental conflict.  Sadly, however, what often happens is that the parental conflict intensifies after the divorce.  Divorce, even the best and most amicable divorce, inevitably inflicts harm on a child including economic deprivation, the absence and lack of involvement with the non custodial parent,  lower educational and vocational expectations, more permissive sexual attitudes and higher risk for academic failure, drug use, and premarital pregnancy.
Sometimes a divorce is caused by a real deal breaker–alcoholism, affairs, abuse, or abandonment–but more often, perhaps 80% of the time, nothing more serious than personality differences is taken as a reason to divorce.  But whatever the cause and no matter how much both parents love them, the children are the ones who suffer the most.
The most severe harm is perpetrated on a child when one or both parents use the child as weapon in the battle with an ex.  Divorced and divorcing parents are notorious for bashing their partner in front of their children.  At its worst this conflict degenerates into an attempt to completely alienate a child from the other parent.  In a recently published book, Divorce Poison:  Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, Richard Warshak, University of Texas psychologist, documents this non prosecutable crime against child and parent.
He points out that sometimes it is actually the more emotionally healthy and competent parent who gets rejected.  Indeed, one would assume that any parent who would alienate a child from the other parent is prima facie psychologically troubled.
True, most parents do not consciously set out to turn a child against a parent, but when the anger runs hot and deep, it is almost impossible not to convey one's hatred and contempt for the ex with the clear implication that a choice of  allegiance must be made by the child.  There need not be overt negative comments made about a parent.  A sarcastic tone of voice or even a raised eyebrow is sufficient to let the child know a parent's feelings.  Parent alienation is truly a horrendous crime        against both the parent and the child, but especially the child who in effect is forced to deny one of her parents.
There are other crimes against children, many of which are not only unrecognized as crimes but which are actually defined as a benefit to the child.  Think of the permissive parent who is afraid to set and enforce rules against alcohol or sex, or the enabling parent who complains when the school attempts to discipline a child, or the helicopter parent who hovers over a child who is attempting to handle his own responsibilities for school or work, or the affluent parent who gives his children everything their hearts desire.  These "Cornucopia Kids," as they have been called, are truly abused simply because they are being taught a most pernicious lie, viz. that the good life is theirs for the asking and that without any effort or accountability on their part.  In a word they are taught that money does grow on trees, a lie that should be proscribed in our penal codes.
Contrary to the popular images of Jesus as a sweet and gentle teacher the Gospel tell us about his anger.   However, when he reflects upon the crimes that were then and continue to be perpetrated upon children, he turns livid with anger and pronounces upon those who would hurt a child the harshest judgment that shocks our middle sensitivities: "Tie a concrete block around his neck and throw him into the deepest part of the ocean."