Mature adults have the ability to tolerate imperfection and frustration without expecting that other people are there primarily to provide instant happiness and gratification.  On the other hand, take a look at a typical eighteen month old toddler.  When he sees something pretty, he wants to play with it–now, not later.  When he is hungry, he expects to be fed–now, not later.  When he feels like peeing, he lets go–now, not later.  And he expects everyone around him to do whatever is necessary to make him happy without a thought as to whether they might be tired or hungry.  That is immaturity, and the more that describes either or both partners in a marriage, the more certainly they will have a tremendously painful and unhappy marriage.

In spite of the fairy tales and love songs, no husband is a perfect prince charming, and no wife is a perfect angel.  Good marriages are those in which the partners learn humility, patience and forbearance, the willingness to accept each other, including everything from wrinkles and varicose veins to bad breath and forgetfulness, without bitterness and without trying to make each other over into a storybook image.  We must, in a word, grow up, not just physically or even emotionally, but spiritually.  We must, in a word, come to be more like God, and coming to be like God means learning to forgive.

To the extent that couples learn to forgive one another, then to that extent have they not only developed individual maturity but they will have also developed a truly spiritual marriage.  Many books giving advice about building a Christian home mention prayer, Bible reading and church attendance, all of which are good habits.  However, it is possible to do all these things without being one very spiritual.  Indeed, I have seen spouses use all of these religious activities in a most unChristlike manner.

Forgiveness is another matter, and that does not mean merely repeating the words, "I forgive you."  It means really doing it.  Of course, when it comes to forgiveness, God is the only one who knows how to do it very well.  Forgiveness for us mortals is always fragmented, partial, grudging.  Even when we think we have completely forgiven someone, we often discover  ourselves feeling some residual resentment, or perhaps we tend to repeat the story of the injury, a definite sign of the inadequacy of our forgiveness.  The truth is that when you truly forgive another person, a person who has unjustly hurt you, you are at that moment actualizing in this world a little bit of the power and love of God.

No question, forgiveness is hard.  Indeed, apart from the grace of God, it is impossible.  So, here are a few suggestions to set you on the right path.

(1) Clarify your hurt and validate your anger.  If you have not been hurt unjustly, forgiveness is not an issue.  Before you can forgive, you must be able honestly to say, "Yes, I have been wronged.  I deserved better, and I have a right to be
angry."  Forgiveness is not excusing.

(2) Pray for what Lewis Smedes calls "magic eyes."  Reframe your partner as weak and needy; look for the child, who is always a part of us no matter how old we are.  Try to see this person as hurting rather than someone who just hurts you.   Forgiveness is an act of grace dispensed by a superior, or at least an equal, of the person who has committed the offense.  One problem in marriage is that spouses tend to "parentify" each other.  That is, they see each other and respond to each other like a child would respond to a parent.  When a spouse is critical, they experience it as if it were punishment from an angry parent.  Forgiveness then becomes well nigh impossible.  That is why a demand for forgiveness from a parent for the abuse of a child or a demand for forgiveness from a domineering and abusive husband is totally inappropriate.  If your husband is abusive, verbally or physically, the abuse must stop and a relationship of equality and respect must be established before forgiveness can be properly implemented.

But assuming that abuse is not part of the picture, in order to forgive your partner, you must learn to see her or him as a frightened, weak and needy child.  You must understand that underneath some of your spouse's most obnoxious behavior is a scared little girl or boy.  Once you understand that, once you can see beneath the anger or the irritating behavior, forgiveness becomes a possibility.

This ability to see the person who has hurt you as week and needy requires considerable strength on your part.  It is truly a reflection of divine power (Ps 78:38-39; Luke 23:24; Acts 7:60; 2 Tim 4:16).

(3) Make a decision to forgive.  You don't have to wait until you feel perfectly loving and kind to begin forgiveness.  Perhaps you do not feel like forgiving your partner, even though you believe that ought to do so, and it is, in fact, what you want to do if only you had the strength.  Then decide to do it.  In forgiveness the mind and the will are primary.  Don' not pay too much attention to the emotions.  Indeed, when it comes to forgiveness you must ignore your feelings and simply do it.

(4) Pronounce absolution:  "In the name of Christ I forgive you."  This is not something you actually say aloud to your partner, not unless he or she asks for it.  We all know how a declaration of forgiveness can be used as a way to say pharisaically and condescendingly, "Just to prove how much nicer I am than you, I will forgive you of that awful thing you did."   The declaration of forgiveness is something you do for yourself to help you implement your decision.  Say it aloud, or better yet, write it in your journal.

(5) Pray for your partner, and ask God to bless him or her.  Nothing helps forgiveness along more than prayer for the person who has hurt you.  When you are most inclined to obsess about how you have been hurt, simply make a decision to do something nice for your partner.  A  word or a written note of appreciation for something good that you see in your  partner, or a small gift or favor is what I have in mind.  I realize that when you are thinking of your hurt, the last thing you want to do is be kind, but if you intend to forgive, the prescription to help you accomplish this supernatural act is to do the very opposite of what you feel like.  When you feel most like getting revenge, then do the opposite. "Fake it til you make it."

Finally, repeat all the steps above again–and again, and again.

From his cell in a Nazi prison Dietrich Bonhoeffer ( Letters and Papers from Prison) addressed the following encouragement to his sister on the occasion of her wedding:

"God intends you to found your marriage on Christ.  'Wherefore receive ye one another, even as Christ also receive you, to the glory of God.'"  In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, for without it no human fellowship, least of all a marriage can survive.  Don't insist on your rights, don't blame each other, don't judge or condemn each other, don't find fault with each other, but take one another as you are, and forgive each other every from the bottom of your hearts."

• When there is tension between you and your partner, you are able to self-soothe while at the same time trying to repair any fracture or bad feelings with your partner.

• When you become upset, you break contact with your partner for brief periods of self-soothing, focusing on other interests to replenish yourself, and then within a few minutes renew your efforts to regain connection with your partner.

• At this level your attempts to reestablish connection become less frequent, and you find it difficult not to attack or to withdraw into yourself perhaps without speaking to your partner.

• When you are upset, you may not make any attempt to connect with your partner for several hours.  You go to bed angry and wake up angry.

• At this point you actively avoid your partner, sometimes for several days at a time, and if your partner attempts to repair the connection with you, you either ignore him or her or renew your attacks upon him or her.

• At the lowest level of differentiation and maturity your functioning is severely affected by the disruption in connection with your partner.  All you can do is obsess about how badly you have been treated and how you wish you were not in this relationship.

If you are at one of the lower levels of maturity and differentiation, the good news is that you don't have to remain there.  Growth is possible.  Think about the times when you have been at least moderately successful in calming yourself and maintaining the connection with your spouse.  The point is to attempt to repeat these small successes.  Pay attention to yourself, and talk with your counselor about some effective techniques to soothe yourself.

It is not, however, that simple.  Physicians have learned that the outcome of an illness sometimes depends as much on the person who has the disease as upon the disease itself.  If that is true for physical illness, it is one hundred times more true for relationship difficulties.  Can this marriage be saved?  Well, that depends very, very much upon the two people in this particular marriage.

Even though I cannot tell you for sure the chances of getting to your golden anniversary, I can tell you some things that are true about the couples who avoid the divorce court.

YOU WILL DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER WELL.  Couples whose marriages last and who experience any degree of happiness have learned to recognize, acknowledge and deal with their anger.  For example, if one of them, usually the husband, has a tendency to "stonewall" or to avoid his wife when she is upset, the chances are better than average that their marriage will not  last.

This does not mean that they simply unload on each other any time they feel like it.  But it does mean that they have found a way to disagree without destroying each other.

YOU WILL GROW UP.  Marriage is hard work.  It is not a job for a child.  And when couples are psychologically immature, the chances are good that they will split.

Psychological maturity is partially a function of age.  But it is more than that.  Some people eighteen years old are obviously more mature that others who are thirty–or fifty.  What makes a person mature is primarily the ability to tolerate imperfection and frustration without expecting that other people are there primarily to make him happy.

Take a look at a typical eighteen month old toddler.  When he sees something pretty, he wants to play with it, now, not later.  When he is hungry, he expects to be fed, now, not later.  When he feels like urinating, he lets go, now, not later.  And he expects everyone around him to do whatever is necessary to make him happy without a thought as to whether they might be tired or hungry.  That is immaturity.  And the more that describes you or your spouse, the greater the likelihood that you will be on your own before long.

In spite of what the fairy tales and the love songs say, no husband is a perfect prince charming, and no wife is a perfect angel.  Marriages that last are those in which the partners learn to accept each other, warts and all, without bitterness and without trying to make each other over into a storybook image.

YOU CAN STICK TO YOUR COMMITMENT.  When people get married, they make promises to one another, but whether they follow through is something no one can predict.  Will your marriage last?  Even when everything about it turns sour, if you are bound and determined to stick it out, then you just do it.  That does not necessarily mean you will be happy.  But it means that you have a fighting chance to make something beautiful happen between you.  You see, people who bail out when the first clouds darken the sky never get a chance to see if their boat can weather a real storm.

Can your marriage be saved?  How well do you handle your anger?  Have you grown up?  And can you stick with your commitment?

Answer for yourself.

Here are some of the symptoms of TEST ANXIETY:

• Reading questions several times
• Staring at a page that seems to have gone blank
• Thinking about something else besides the question in front of you
• Telling yourself that you will probably fail the test
• Feeling uptight and shaky

Anchor Counseling can help.  We teach you how to relax, give yourself positive meesages and do the very best you can do on your test.  Call 278-3290 for an appointment.

As a culture we are becoming increasingly sensitized to the way children are use and abused often by those who have the responsibility to protect and nurture them.  Still some of the most wide spread but least prosecuted crimes involve those committed against children.  Having to witness such crimes is the most difficult, indeed the most painful, aspect of my therapy practice.  Many of these crimes do rise to the level of an actual misdemeanor or felony, which can be prosecuted in a criminal court.  Nevertheless, the children who are victims suffer severe, sometimes, irreparable harm.
One of the most common crimes against children is simple neglect.  This includes not only the obvious failure to take care for the safety and physical well being of children but also our neglect of their emotional and spiritual health.  This is more than a matter of parents spending "quality time" with a child.  For example, the failure to consistently discipline a child–and discipline is much more than punishment–is also a serious form of neglect.  To allow a child to grow up with the idea that the world revolves around him is a crime albeit one not that we have yet decided to punish.
Obviously the physical and sexual abuse of children is rightly proscribed in our penal codes.  Thankfully as a society we have become more sensitive to the more extreme forms of abuse of children and have passed numerous laws to protect them. The media do an excellent job of reminding us of the danger of sadistic pedophiles who stalk our children on the playground or at school.  However, the attention devoted to the danger to our children posed by strangers with perverted instincts has diverted attention away from the greater risk of abuse by adults who are well known to the child, a family member or a friend of the family.
The incest taboo is such a powerful, natural predisposition that it is difficult for us parents to contemplate taking one's child to bed.   However, the strength of this taboo depends upon the actual physical contact with the child during her earliest development when she is dependent upon parental care.  The father who is present at the birth of his daughter and who actively participates in feeding, bathing, and nurturing her will normally develop a powerful incest taboo, which prevents any thought of molesting "daddy's little girl."
In contrast the man who is later brought into a child's home will not have internalized the normal incest taboo.  The daughter whose mother has married a step-father or who has a live-in boy friend is at much greater risk of sexual molestation from the man her mother has brought into the home than she would ever experience with her own father.  Thus the most common sexual abuse of children occurs in families when a parent has brought another adult into the home who is not related to the child or when there is a dysfunctional relationship between the parents.
When parents fight with each other, the children are too often caught in the crossfire, but there are no laws protecting children from the collateral damage to the marital conflict.  There is a popular misconception that in such cases the parents need to get a divorce to save the children from the parental conflict.  Sadly, however, what often happens is that the parental conflict intensifies after the divorce.  Divorce, even the best and most amicable divorce, inevitably inflicts harm on a child including economic deprivation, the absence and lack of involvement with the non custodial parent,  lower educational and vocational expectations, more permissive sexual attitudes and higher risk for academic failure, drug use, and premarital pregnancy.
Sometimes a divorce is caused by a real deal breaker–alcoholism, affairs, abuse, or abandonment–but more often, perhaps 80% of the time, nothing more serious than personality differences is taken as a reason to divorce.  But whatever the cause and no matter how much both parents love them, the children are the ones who suffer the most.
The most severe harm is perpetrated on a child when one or both parents use the child as weapon in the battle with an ex.  Divorced and divorcing parents are notorious for bashing their partner in front of their children.  At its worst this conflict degenerates into an attempt to completely alienate a child from the other parent.  In a recently published book, Divorce Poison:  Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, Richard Warshak, University of Texas psychologist, documents this non prosecutable crime against child and parent.
He points out that sometimes it is actually the more emotionally healthy and competent parent who gets rejected.  Indeed, one would assume that any parent who would alienate a child from the other parent is prima facie psychologically troubled.
True, most parents do not consciously set out to turn a child against a parent, but when the anger runs hot and deep, it is almost impossible not to convey one's hatred and contempt for the ex with the clear implication that a choice of  allegiance must be made by the child.  There need not be overt negative comments made about a parent.  A sarcastic tone of voice or even a raised eyebrow is sufficient to let the child know a parent's feelings.  Parent alienation is truly a horrendous crime        against both the parent and the child, but especially the child who in effect is forced to deny one of her parents.
There are other crimes against children, many of which are not only unrecognized as crimes but which are actually defined as a benefit to the child.  Think of the permissive parent who is afraid to set and enforce rules against alcohol or sex, or the enabling parent who complains when the school attempts to discipline a child, or the helicopter parent who hovers over a child who is attempting to handle his own responsibilities for school or work, or the affluent parent who gives his children everything their hearts desire.  These "Cornucopia Kids," as they have been called, are truly abused simply because they are being taught a most pernicious lie, viz. that the good life is theirs for the asking and that without any effort or accountability on their part.  In a word they are taught that money does grow on trees, a lie that should be proscribed in our penal codes.
Contrary to the popular images of Jesus as a sweet and gentle teacher the Gospel tell us about his anger.   However, when he reflects upon the crimes that were then and continue to be perpetrated upon children, he turns livid with anger and pronounces upon those who would hurt a child the harshest judgment that shocks our middle sensitivities: "Tie a concrete block around his neck and throw him into the deepest part of the ocean."