Marital Maturity and Self Soothing

The ability to soothe oneself during times of tension and conflict with a spouse is critical to the maintenance of a healthy, intimate relationship.  This ability is directly correlated with the degree of one's personal maturity or differentiation.  The mature and well differentiated person is one who feels secure and who feels ok with himself or herself without other people's approval.  When there is tension or conflict, this person neither withdraws nor attacks but stays in the relationship while maintaining one's integrity.
An inspiring illustration of this is found in the civil rights movement when Martin Luther King, Jr., and others refused to accept the unjust discrimination of a segregated society, i.e. they were people of integrity, while at the same time they refused to attack or to withdraw from those who opposed them.  While they were viciously attacked by their racist opponents they were able to remain calm, i.e. to soothe themselves, and they continued to stay in relationship with their neighbors without either attacking or withdrawing.
When there is conflict, married couples need this kind of strength to calm or soothe themselves.  Various styles of self-soothing have been classified into distinct categories which correspond to different levels of differentiation. These patterns are listed below (beginning with the most differentiated).  Rate yourself.

• When there is tension between you and your partner, you are able to self-soothe while at the same time trying to repair any fracture or bad feelings with your partner.

• When you become upset, you break contact with your partner for brief periods of self-soothing, focusing on other interests to replenish yourself, and then within a few minutes renew your efforts to regain connection with your partner.

• At this level your attempts to reestablish connection become less frequent, and you find it difficult not to attack or to withdraw into yourself perhaps without speaking to your partner.

• When you are upset, you may not make any attempt to connect with your partner for several hours.  You go to bed angry and wake up angry.

• At this point you actively avoid your partner, sometimes for several days at a time, and if your partner attempts to repair the connection with you, you either ignore him or her or renew your attacks upon him or her.

• At the lowest level of differentiation and maturity your functioning is severely affected by the disruption in connection with your partner.  All you can do is obsess about how badly you have been treated and how you wish you were not in this relationship.

If you are at one of the lower levels of maturity and differentiation, the good news is that you don't have to remain there.  Growth is possible.  Think about the times when you have been at least moderately successful in calming yourself and maintaining the connection with your spouse.  The point is to attempt to repeat these small successes.  Pay attention to yourself, and talk with your counselor about some effective techniques to soothe yourself.